The Tale of Douglas McGuire
by Mammal Wrangler
Summary: My attempt at the greatest fanfiction of all time, all about a Hogwarts student named Douglas Oswald McGuire, enjoy!
1. The Beginning

AN: So, this is my second fic, and I am going to try and make it the greatest fanfiction of all time, the Anti-My Immortal, so to speak. Enjoy it, and please review.

Many stories start with "Once Upon a Time," maybe this is because it's such a great way to start a story, I certainly think so. Others start by introducing people.

This one starts with a scarlet train, going to Hogwarts, it is known as the Hogwarts Express.

On this train, in a compartment, there is a boy at the young age of 14. This boy's name is Douglas Oswald McGuire, and he is the hero of this story.

If you were to see him, you definitely wouldn't think he deserved to be a hero. He's thin, pale, and covered in freckles, he has curly ginger hair that is just long enough to cover his ears, and his eyes are amber colored.

Now, we usually expect a hero to be in Gryffindor. They _are_ brave and strong, like heroes usually are.

But Douglas is in Ravenclaw, where people are smart, and not all that brave and strong, in fact, they're quite neglected.

So why is Douglas the hero of this story, rather than, say, Nathan Harland, a tall, muscular Gryffindor with short black hair, brown eyes and a smile that brings most people attracted to men flying towards him?

It's quite simple.

Nathan is an idiot who bullies people to get his way, which is easy to do for him, as he is quite popular as Gryffindor's Keeper.

Meanwhile, Douglas is shy, nice, and intelligent, though not popular in anyway.

That is why this story is about Douglas, and not Nathan, because of intelligence, which is always important.

AN: So, that was chapter 1, it wasn't very exciting, and there wasn't any dialogue, but I assure you that future chapters will have plenty of both of those things. And once again, please review!


	2. Twins

AN: Here I am, starting chapter 2 (To be called "Twins"). This chapter will have a lot more action and dialogue, I promise. Please review!

Douglas was waiting for his best friend, who had left for a short amount of time, so he wasn't completely alone, and wouldn't stay that way for long.

Nathan Harland opened the door to the compartment, behind him was a shorter, brown haired boy with filthy teeth, his name is Steven Conrad, usually referred to as Steve, he was always at Nathan's side.

Then Nathan started talking, "Well, here we are, going to another year at Hogwarts, I see you unfortunately didn't die...Dougy," Steve laughed, and Douglas thought he would pass out from the stench of his breath.

"So, neither of you were held back in 4th year for almost failing exams, how unfortunate," Douglas said, "good luck on the O. this year." Both Nathan and Steve had barely gotten into 5th year.

Nathan pulled out his wand and pointed it at Douglas, "Take that back, you filthy ginger!" he shouted.

Douglas simply stared at Nathan, "What spell will you use on me? Perhaps the bubble-head charm? That's so advanced that it's learned in 2nd year, it's probably the most complex one either of you remember."

Then Steven pulled out his wand, Douglas was completely calm, someone would come to help him soon.

Then, suddenly he heard a shout from down the hallway, _"Stupefy!"_ Steve was sent flying by a red light while Nathan ran away.

A few moments later a girl in her Slytherin uniform came to the door, "Are you alright Douglas?" she asked.

"I'm fine," Douglas said, "They didn't do anything."

The girl sat down across from Douglas, her name is Lucia Estella McGuire, and she is Douglas' twin sister. She has the same eye color as he does and longer, redder hair than he does, she's also a few inches shorter.

"Gryffindors, right? they think they're so much better since the Battle of Hogwarts," Lucia said.

"Yeah, it's only because they had the most people fighting in it," Douglas replied, "It's almost like the other houses are neglected, it's completely unfair."

"Oh well," Lucia shrugged, "What can we do? We'll never change their minds."

Douglas and Lucia had been completely inseparable since birth and were the best of friends, they even shared the same room during the summer, which many siblings refuse to ever do.

Unfortunately, Douglas and Lucia were separated into different houses in their first year, which was saddening for them both.

Of course, Douglas and Lucia had friends other than each other.

AN: See, just what I promised, more action and dialogue, next chapter I'll introduce some of Douglas and Lucia's friends. Please review!


	3. Friends

AN: CHAPTER 3 (Friends)! Oh my, I've written multiple chapters all in one night, I need to calm down for a minute, or maybe not. In this chapter you'll meet some of Douglas' friends other than Lucia.

"I should probably change into my uniform," Douglas said, "We'll be arriving in a few hours."

"Well, go, your uniform is better than what you usually wear anyway," Lucia said as a reply.

Douglas looked down at his clothes as he walked out of the corridor, what was wrong with his sweater and jeans? He shrugged, it didn't matter, Lucia always hated what he wore.

He was quick to move into the bathroom and change into his Ravenclaw uniform, it only took a few minutes.

As Douglas walked out of the bathroom he heard someone shouting his name down the corridor, as he looked he saw a very familiar person in a Hufflepuff uniform rushing at him.

He had blond hair, bright blue eyes and was several inches shorter than Lucia, his name is Warner Moon, but is called just W by his friends, Douglas was one of these friends.

Only a few moments after Douglas heard his name he was on the floor, tackled by W, he sometimes wished that he wasn't the Seeker for the Hufflepuff team, it made him fast and athletic.

"Hey W," Douglas said, "Um, do you mind getting off of me? This is really uncomfortable, it always is."

"Sure," said W, who stood up and helped Douglas stand up, "I saw Steve passed out near a compartment with Lucia in it, what happened?"

"Oh, you know, Lucia was being bothered by him, so I ran over and punched him in the face, you know me, always punching people in the face," Douglas said sarcastically.

W laughed, "If that were true, you'd probably be in Gryffindor, and almost failing every exam."

They both walked back to the compartment where Douglas had been sitting before, Lucia had her large orange tabby cat, Digby, in her arms and was petting him.

Lucia had loved that cat since she first got him, Douglas still remembered that day, he always would.

It was Douglas and Lucia's first time in Diagon alley, they were both 5 years old and were astounded by everything that they saw. Their parents, Theodore Claude McGuire and Alexandra Tabitha McGuire, said they could get one thing each.

Lucia chose Digby, he was a tiny kitten at the time, and had grown quite a bit in the 9 years since then. Douglas had chosen a fruit bat, who he had named Daisy, she was in her cage at the moment.

Douglas sat across from Lucia and next to his other friend, who had arrived before Douglas and W.

He is a dark skinned bald boy with brown eyes and he was wearing a Ravenclaw uniform. He's about 2 inches taller than Douglas and his name is Jordon Nelson.

"Hi Jordan," Douglas said as W sat down next to Lucia, "What did you do this Summer?"

Jordan frowned slightly, "My wand broke, I had to get a new one, my parents are really angry about that."

"Oh," Douglas said, raising an eyebrow "What caused it to break?"

Jordan sighed, "I was playing Quidditch with my brothers and I fell off my broom."

Jordan had 3 brothers, they were all at Hogwarts in each of the years below Jordan, and they often played Quidditch together, Jordan was one of the Ravenclaw team's Chasers.

"Well," Douglas said, "those kind of things happen when you play Quidditch, that;s why I never do."

Douglas always teased Lucia, W and Jordan about their Quiddich playing, his sister was a brilliant Seeker.

The train stopped at Hogsmeade station and all 4 of the friends stood up at the same time, as they often did while sitting together.

AN: Well, that was Chapter 3, Douglas has friends, though not very many. As always, please review!


	4. The Feast

AN: CHAPTER 4 (The Feast). I haven't updated in a while, sorry about that, I was distracted, and attempting to write about 12 other fanfictions at once. This chapter will be about the sorting ceremony, pretty simple, I think.

Douglas was the last one out of the compartment, he had to grab Daisy's cage, none of his friends had to carry their pets in cages, Jordan and W had toads.

He looked out of the door of the compartment, but he saw no one, "How odd," he said quietly to himself.

Douglas walked down the corridor until he found a door that led off of the train, which he went through as quickly as possible, missing the carriages was always horrible, though he'd never experienced it himself.

He rushed to the carriages, trying to look as distinguished as possible, but instead he was tripping every other step he took.

Douglas left his cage and trunk with Filch, who would take them up to the castle, the look Filch had was creepy, as usual, but at least Mrs. Norris wasn't there, she terrified Douglas.

"Well," thought Douglas as he climbed onto the last carriage, "at least I didn't miss them all," he was still wondering how his friends had gotten so far ahead of him.

Unfortunately, Douglas had found himself in the same carriage that Steve and Nathan had gotten into, he sighed.

"So, Dougy, it appears as though you've come across a bit of bad luck, haven't you?" Nathan asked, Douglas could see there was a shiny prefect badge on his robe.

"Well, you seem to have gotten good luck, _very_ good luck, normally only smart people become prefects, even in Gryffindor..." Douglas said, trying his hardest to be insulting.

It seemed to work quite well.

"You know, Dougy, it's not a good idea to insult a prefect, you could get detention, or even expulsion..."

"I'm certain that telling the truth won't get me expelled, it hasn't yet," Douglas replied, he had been in several arguments like this with Nathan before.

Both Nathan and Steve pulled their wands out, pointing them at Douglas, who didn't feel at all threatened, it wasn't the first time this had happened.

The carriage suddenly stopped and Douglas was the first one out of it, as always happened, Steve and Nathan had done nothing.

Douglas blended into the crowd that was entering the castle, and he nearly tripped into a short Slytherin girl. She was probably in second year, and at the moment, not at all important to this story.

After entering the castle and making his way to the Great Hall, Douglas fast walked to the Ravenclaw table, sitting next to Jordan, as he always did.

"Hey Jordan, how'd you guys get off the train so quickly?" Douglas asked as quickly as possibly, interrupting McGonagall during the Sorting Ceremony was never a good idea.

"W decided that he was going to race us, Lucia won, she's always been the fastest of us."

"Oh." Douglas said, almost muttering, it was true, Lucia had always beat all three of them in any races they had.

McGonagall walked up to the podium, and everyone was instantly silent, even the first years knew that she was not a headmistress to mess with at all.

Douglas remembered a student in his first year who had planned to play a prank on her, he disappeared entirely, no one knew what had happened to him, though it was probably just expulsion.

Suddenly Douglas realized he hadn't paid attention to any of the Sorting Ceremony, though a first year was sitting next to him, so at least one person had gotten into Ravenclaw.

The food that appeared in front of them looked delicious as usual, Douglas ate plenty of potatoes and peas and anything else that wasn't meat that he could get his hands on.

Douglas had trouble with meat, it made him somewhat sick to think of the way that the animals had been killed, he would think of blood, and then he would get light-headed.

Eventually Douglas was incapable of eating any more food, and the feast would end soon, so he could go upstairs and sleep, but there were so many stairs going up to Ravenclaw Tower.

"Oh well," he thought, "I'll climb them anyway."

And he did.

By the time Douglas reached his dormitory (Which he shared with Jordan and 3 other boys who he didn't feel the need to remember the names of) he was too tired to read anything and he fell asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

_Douglas was being taught to ride a broomstick by his father, he was 9 at the time._

_It was snowing outside and his father still had black hair, and the Amber eyes that both he and his sister shared._

_Both of Douglas' father's parents had been muggles, making him a muggle-born wizard._

_Douglas started flying off, he was screaming, he always hated the feeling of flight, he preferred traveling by floo powder._

_The broom disappeared and Douglas was falling through the air, though he noticed that now he was back to his normal age, though he had a long cut in his arm._

_The snowy sky turned black and rocky looking as Douglas grabbed onto a ledge, nearly dropping his wand._

_How had he gotten here?_

_Then Douglas woke up._

AN: Chapter 4 completed! I hope you all like it, and will review. Also, for any of you that read my Supernatural/Death Note crossover, I will be updating it within the next three days and I'll be writing a fanfiction that is only Death Note soon. Wow, this Author's Note is getting long, but I just have one more thing to say. The last movie is this Friday, and I'll cry during and after it's over. That is all.


	5. The First Day

AN: CHAPTER 5 (The First Day). Wow, I haven't updated hardly at all in a while, but I have 3 fanfictions to manage, so you should understand.

Douglas rolled out of bed and saw that no one else was in the dormitory with him.

He pulled a pocket watch out of the inside of his robes (which he hadn't changed out of last night) and checked the time.

"10:45, Damn it," he said silently, he would have to skip breakfast.

he started running down the stairs into the common room, then re ran through the door leading out and down the stairs of Ravenclaw Tower.

He nearly ran into Jordan at the bottom, "Why didn't you wake me up?"

"Oh, sorry, you were talking in your sleep, you told me to leave you alone, I decided to listen, oh, I almost forgot!" He jammed his hand into his right pocket and pulled out a sheet of paper, handing it to Douglas.

"Thanks," he unfolded the paper and looked at it, he had Herbology to get to.

"No problem, but I have to get to Potions. Fast." Jordan ran down the corridor.

Douglas sighed before he ran back up the stairs and into the common room, then he ran up into his dormitory, where he grabbed his books for the day and ran back down to the bottom of Ravenclaw Tower's stairs.

He then ran down the corridor on his way to the stairs.

Douglas burst into the transfiguration classroom and realized he was late when the professor glared at him.

The professor was a short, thin man with short brown hair and large brown eyes, he had a short beard.

"Why are you late, Mr. McGuire?" he had a surprisingly large voice for such a small man.

"Um, sorry Professor Frost, I accidentally slept in."

He continued glaring at Douglas, who looked at the man's feet, which were obscured by his dark red robes.

"Well, take your seat or I'll be forced to turn you into a worm."

Douglas was quick to sit down, he saw none of his friends in this class...How fun.

"Now then," Professor Frost began, "Everyone get out your wands."

Everyone, including Douglas, had their wands drawn within seconds, there was a story involving Professor Frost turning a disobedient student's head into a watermelon, so everyone was afraid of him.

Douglas looked at his wand, it was willow, 12 inches, unicorn tail hair.

"Good, everyone," Professor Frost said as he got his own wand out and caused a small, yellow feather to appear on every desk, "I want you all to turn these into canaries."

Douglas looked at Professor Frost's wand as the rest of the students groaned, elm, 8 1/2 inches, dragon heartstring.

Douglas then looked at the feather and pointed his wand at it.

Flicking his wrist, Douglas turned the feather into two feathers, he had always been terrible at transfiguration.

He sighed, then flicked his wrist again, turning the two feathers into four feathers.

He flicked his wrist 4 more times. Eight, Sixteen, Thirty-Two, Sixty-Four.

The pile of canary feathers on his desk was appalling.

Flicking his wrist one last time, the feathers all disappearedand a canary appeared, tweeting loudly.

Professor Frost looked up at Douglas and saw the canary, "Good job, Mr. McGuire, now turn it back."

Douglas simply stared at the canary, then pointed his wand at it and flicked his wrist, which turned it into a dove.

For the rest of the class, Douglas tried turning the canary back into a feather, it had been a pigeon, a blue jay, a cardinal, a chicken, a turkey and a falcon.

Douglas decided to change it back into a canary after it had been a falcon and he took it with him. It sat on his shoulder and he named it William.

Douglas quickly moved to Charms, then Muggle Studies, Lunch and Care of Magical Creatures.

Douglas walked away from Hagrid's Hut, he had given them all small, yellow eggs and they were to care for them for the next week.

Douglas looked at Greenhouse number two, which was quite close to Hagrid's Hut, luckily and walked towards it.

As he stepped into the greenhouse, he noticed that he was the first person to arrive, except Professor Longbottom, of course.

"Ah, Mr. McGuire, it's good to see you, though you're a bit early..." the Professor said, raising his eyebrow.

The only difference between Neville now and Neville after the Battle of Hogwarts were several wrinkles.

"It seems as though I am," Douglas moved to a plant pot as 15 other students rushed into the greenhouse.

"Oh, there you all are, I guess I'll have to start class early," The Professor pointed at the purple leaves coming out of the pots, "Inside these plant pots are dragon carrots," he sighed, "Which aren't dangerous at all, you just have to pull them up."

Douglas pulled at the dragon carrot's leaves until what looked like a blue carrot came out, then a mouth and eyes grew from the side of it and it squeeked.

"Professor Longbottom...mine is squeeking..."

"It's supposed to do that Douglas, now put it back and read chapters 1-5."

Douglas placed it back, opened his Herbology book and started reading.

Douglas walked into the Great Hall for dinner, where Jordan was sitting in his usual spot at the Ravenclaw table, where Lucia and W were also sitting, as they decided that was allowed.

He was silent for all of the rest of dinner and on the way up to the common room, which he did alone, Jordan wanted to go with W to the lake.

As he sat down on the floor and started his homework, Douglas started to feel tired, but he got through his homework before climbing onto a couch and falling asleep.

_The Seventh floor was quiet at this time in the night, a door appeared next to Douglas as he heard Filch coming and he jumped into the room to avoid getting in trouble._

_Inside this room there was a massive amount of books on shelves and a desk with a chair behind it._

_He sat down behind the desk and a large book on disillusionment charms landed on the desk in front of him._

_Douglas opened the book and woke up._

Douglas looked out the window, it was dark outside.

He decided to go to the seventh floor corridor.

But first he would need to bathe.

So he did.

The dream perfectly represented what happened next.

"Wow, it would be useful to learn a disillusionment charm, then I could properly sneak around..." Douglas said as he stood up and walked to his dormitory.

AN: This is the longest chapter yet, and the most fun to write, I suspect the rest of the chapters will either be as long as this one or longer. Please review!


	6. Sleepy Douglas

AN: CHAPTER 6 (Sleepy Douglas). I have troubles with updating things as quickly as I'd like to, but oh well, you guys (and girls) should understand.

Douglas had spent the whole night studying Disillusionment Charms, so Jordan was confused when he had gotten to breakfast after him, Douglas always got there after him.

He was eating scrambled eggs and nutella on toast when Jordan walked in, he also had massive bags under his eyes.

"Douglas, did you sleep at all last night?" Jordan asked as he sat down.

"No, I had insomnia, and...um, a really good book, but I should be fine..."

Douglas nearly hit his forehead on the nutella toast.

"I don't think you will, I feel like you'll have nutella on your forehead by the end of breakfast."

"That's alright," Douglas said sleepily, "Then people will...uh, love my forehead and...um, lick it and I'll...um, make more friends..."

"You're going to go into a coma."

"Why don't they give us...um, caffeine at breakfast? No wonder everyone...uh, falls asleep during class."

"I'll stop saying things," Jordan said.

"Every disillusionment charm makes a living or possibly non-living thing at least partially invisible," Douglas murmured, confusing Jordan again.

After breakfast, Douglas spent transfiguration trying to turn William into a feather again, but he fell asleep for a moment.

_Douglas was hiding under one of the tables in the great hall, there was a massive gash in his left arm and his head and heart were both pounding._

_There was a trail of blood from the door leading to where he was, he would make it disappear, but his wand arm was injured, why couldn't he just be right-handed?_

_Then he woke up, _screaming.

"Mr. McGuire, what are you screaming about?" Professor Frost yelled at Douglas.

"Sorry, I just...um, love this canary so much, I just don't want him to be a feather again."

Professor Frost narrowed his eyes at Douglas, "Then turn him back into a canary after you change him back..."

"Yes sir."

How embarassing...

Douglas stayed awake through all of his classes and lunch when he decided to go up to the common room to take a nap, which he really needed.

Unfortunately, there was a delay because Douglas had to pick up William from Professor Frost's room first.

On the way to the common room, he ran into a very familiar face, the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher for just this year.

Harry Potter.

When I say Douglas ran into Harry, I don't mean that he awkwardly almost walked into him.

Douglas was running and he slammed into Harry, causing them both to be knocked over.

Douglas took a few minutes to stand up and look at Harry, whose glasses were slightly disheveled.

"Sorry, Professor Potter, I'm in a rush," he picked up William's cage.

"Oh, that's alright, Everyone has their mistakes every once in a while, even me."

"Thank you for not giving me an eternity of detention."

"Believe me, I've suffered a lot worse," they both walked away, but Douglas heard him mutter under his breath, "like death," which was slightly disturbing.

Douglas rushed up to the common room, then he went straight for his dormitory, where he slammed onto his bed and fell asleep instantly.

_Douglas looked into the fireplace in front of him cautiously. He was only 5 years old and he was supposed to go into a fireplace and be engulfed in emerald flame?_

_No thank you._

_But he went in anyway and threw down the floo powder, yelling, "Diagon Alley!"_

_Why did he agree to help his mother go grocery shopping?_

_As he walked out of the fireplace, Douglas was standing in the Ravenclaw common room, standing in front of the fireplace with his wand ready._

_A man stepped into the room, pointed his wand at Douglas and shouted, "Avada Keda-" before being cut off by Douglas yelling, "Stupefy!" and knocking the man out._

_Then he woke up._

It appeared to be night time, so Douglas checked his watch, it was 7 PM, so he could still get dinner.

So he walked all the way to the Great Hall, where he ate, it was quite fulfilling.

Then, after he ate, Douglas went to his bed and slept again.

_His parents were teaching him his first spell, it was Wingardium Leviosa, Douglas was 9 years old and he already had a wand, how lucky._

_"Wingardium Leviosa," he said, swishing and flicking his wand correctly, and the small rock in front of him started floating._

_He watched the rock fall and there was a book about patronuses and animagi in front of him, what an interesting thing to learn..._

_And then Douglas woke up._

AN: Wow, it took me a lot longer to write that then I thought it would. You may be wondering why I made Harry a teacher when he's supposed to be head of the auror office, he gets to be both. Why? He's Harry Freakin' Potter! He can do whatever he wants!


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